Day 11112.1652
Th, Dec. 9th 1999
Dear Diary,
I see things differently now. I changed. I read a book (REDACTED), and everything I always knew, everything I ever experienced, fits together like a jigsaw-puzzle. Why I am how I am. What the world is, God, the Bible, Good and Bad, Past and Future.
The Meaning of it all…
I feel, I know I can’t be the same any more. I’ve been alone for a while now, and that was really healthful. I’ll stay alone for some more and I don’t mind.
Maybe I’ll write it down one day, but not now.
I feel good now, really great. It doesn’t matter what I’ll do, ’cause I understand the plan behind it all. But then again – it does matter, because I can give it a direction. I can help people and change things.
I can make decisions…
I might write a book, or do something else, but it’s time again for this diary to rest for a while. Like it did for the last year now. Girls are of no important issue right now, although they are a major key to my existence…
Thanks, Ilona, for opening my eyes.
In love, Bye, Markus
Day 20367
Fr, Apr. 11th 2025
Dear Diary,
Hello there, how are you? It’s been quite a while, 25 years, so about time for an update. I’ve been thinking about you again, after doing an interview for a newspaper recently. Now I’m pensive.
Nothing new, I know. My mind is always working, always something on my mind. More than a year ago I had a phase when I read a lot of your pages again, from 1985 to 1999, and I don’t really do that, like ever. So much I didn’t even remember, and barely recognized, so I thought to write about it, to make sense of it. I got to like 35000 words, but like most things, I likely will never finish it.
So, no, I have not finished any other book or novel yet, although there was a short story, well, more like a thought experiment, that I put online. I have not given up the dream of being a writer, but I know now why it is so difficult. I’ve found out a lot, I’ve had more of these “Road to Damascus” moments that changed my life, just like the one mentioned on your last page. And – more surprisingly – my views never changed back. So, in addition to understanding God, the Bible, Good and Bad, Past and Future, I now also understand Other People, Society, and most importantly, Myself. I wish I could put it into words to tell others. I wish I had a reason to.
I’d like some motivation, please.
What motivates me? Not much, it’s a little miracle I even write this down. I never really had self motivation. Now I know why, but knowing does not fix the problem. Is it even a problem? What is a problem? “A problem is an issue or obstacle that requires a solution or resolution to achieve a desired outcome.“ So, to make the problem go away, I just have to stop desiring that outcome. That was easy.
Too easy. The story of my life. Things always came easily to me. Best in class, best in school without even trying to be. And people usually like me, even if I don’t care for being liked. I should be successful, I should be happy. But I can’t be happy. And now I know why.
I’m still alone. I’m not lonely, that’s different. I’m not unhappy, but I’m content. I understand my feelings now, or rather what I don’t feel, and can’t feel, compared to others. There’s so much that I can’t do and where I’m different, part of me wishes I had known it earlier, but then I probably would have stopped trying, and I never would have found out what I am able to do. I admit, I was close to giving up at one point. But telling all my thoughts to you, my dear diary, kept me sane. Thank you very much for listening to me up to my 30th year.
Now I’m 55. And I haven’t changed since I was 16. I’m still the same soul and consciousness. My body changes, the world around me changes, all the time, and I adapt, but that is different. I have found out things, I have new views of the world, but the way my brain works is still the same. And my brain is different from a – – – would you call it a normal brain? Average? Neurotypical?
So, what happened in the last 25 years? Two years later I decided to move to Espoo, Finland, and two more years later I found Koli, where I’m organizing horseback riding on Icelandic horses for over 21 years now, among other things. In Espoo I had nothing, now I even have a house that is mostly paid off. In a way this life is how I dreamed it could be, so why can’t I be happy, I mean really happy?
It’s ok, I don’t mind. I don’t think much about this. There are ways to relax me, get my mind off of things. CS2 has a PGL event in Bucharest, and even though Jimpphat and AleksiB aren’t there, it’s still nice to follow. Siuhy didn’t succeed though, too bad.
I want to say that I miss you, keeping a diary has kept me sane. But that would not be true, I don’t miss you. There was a time for you, a beginning and an end. I might still write a book one day, maybe even about you, maybe you will become my book. All I need is the right amount of motivation.
I’ve been alone for such a long time now, but I’ll stay alone for even more, and that thought makes me feel good. I know now the how and why of my life, and where I come from, also thanks to you. I don’t know what the future holds, and I don’t really care, because when I stop desiring things all my problems go away. Nice.
But I still want to help people…
It was nice talking to you. Let’s do that again in 25 years.
Love, Markus
Day 20368
Sa, Apr 12 2025
Dear Reader,
Do I know you? Do you know me? Sorry, if I don’t remember you, I’m bad at these things. If we’ve talked before, I’m sorry if I repeat myself or don’t call you by your name. I’m bad with names. And faces. And everything.
Maybe we have met in Koli. Maybe we know each other from Germany, or California, or from online. Maybe you’ve noticed my email address domain, checking it out. Maybe you’ve googled my name after seeing it this weekend in the newspaper. That’s actually the motivation to write this, there is much that is left unsaid in that article, and you took the trouble of clicking a few links, to maybe find out more about me. The article was ok, I talked to the reporter for hours, trying to tell him who I am. There’s only so much I can say, leaving out most of my life, and there’s only so much that can be put into an article, leaving out most of what I said. And what is left unsaid is often much more important than what is said. Just choosing what parts to share makes all the difference.
So, what should I leave out in this diary entry to you? Yes, I used to write diary just like this, letters to my diary or others, sorting my thoughts. For many years. Until I felt it was finished. And I still don’t feel like starting it again, it had its purpose, and it served it well, until I was grown up. No, until I stopped growing.
My brain was growing for 30 years, and still it is not as developed as an average brain. Parts of it grew faster, and other parts slower and never reached maturity. Well, I cannot prove it, but that’s what I believe. I have strong beliefs, although I’m willing to change them once in a while. I also often exaggerate, to make a point or to listen to myself and challenge my own opinions. So take everything I say with a grain of salt. Not only here, but also if you ever meet me.
You will likely never meet me. Maybe you know somebody who is just like me, although that is pretty unlikely. But probably there are people around you who have some of the same traits that I also have, and you might not understand why they do what they do, and they don’t even know themselves. Or you see parts of yourself in my writings.
But who am I? How much do I want to tell you? Would you knowing these sides of me change how you see me? Will a future employer find this and change my chances of a job? I’m at a point in my life where I am confident enough, but you, please be careful about how much you share.
I’d like to tell you everything. But that’s impossible. I’d like to tell you all my reasoning, why I believe what I do, and what I think it means. But I tried writing it down and got lost in details, I would never finish putting it all together. I’d like to lay open my life to you, until you don’t feel like there’s anything more and nothing I want to hide, and then you can make sense of it. But others have tried that, and it feels just sad and desperate. I’m not desperate, I’m quite content.
No, all I can do is say what I believe, how I see myself, and if you have any questions, please contact me and ask. Come to Koli and I might meet with you. Or, better yet, if you want to write a story of people like me or study them, then I’d be more than willing to help you with that. I like helping, I’ve always liked it. That’s what makes me going, that is my motivation. Empathy. That is the feeling that I have, that is the feeling I live of. I don’t really have other strong feelings.
Let me elaborate.
What makes people different? What shapes a personality? Genetics, family, education, society? It’s different for different people, but for me I believe it’s mostly genetics. Oh, by the way, from now on please add the qualifiers “I believe”, “in my opinion”, “that’s how I see myself” and “you might disagree” after each statement from me. Half of the time I could show you papers or expert opinions that back it up, but like I said above I will not explain it all, it’s too much. If you’re skeptical, please do your own research, or ask me.
When I was born, my parents were 35 and 42 years old. They both had their own psychological quirks and issues, many of which I inherited, with an unusual combination of both of them. My body was (and stayed) underdeveloped, I was born 2 weeks early, and often sick during my first like 14 years. I have congenital flat feet, my joints didn’t finish, I got hCG hormone treatment because of undescended testis, had surgery for hip dysplasia at age 5, my heart still has bigemini, and much more. I’ve learned to live with these issues, I never ever go to a doctor, the last time was in 2000 when there was a study about hip dysplasia surgery. Before that, 1995 or so when I strained my ankle, I think. Oh, in 2004 I once went to a dentist. I don’t count getting a vaccination. It’s not that I don’t like doctors, but if I’m not really sick I don’t want to waste their time. I know, I should go for a checkup, after all I got psoriasis after CoVid, so maybe later I’ll make an appointment. Probably not. I don’t have motivation.
My brain, parts of my brain, is quite different. One side grew more than the other, so I am near sighted with anisometropia, which means my left eye is not as strong as the right. Natural monovision, so I don’t even need glasses most of the time. Nice. But also some connections between parts of the brain are not like they are supposed to be. The way I see it, my consciousness is partly disconnected from the body. Hand eye coordination was always lacking (like when catching a ball). Handwriting is very bad. But – most importantly – what and how much I feel is very different from how I think other people experience it. I feel much less than others. I’ll come back to this.
This might all seem very abstract, and while brain studies have come a long way, it’s still in its infant stages. But there are many people with different brains, and the symptoms have been studied, a lot, so let me use those terms.
I have weird combination of autism, aphantasia and ADHD. There are even newer terms like SDAM that apply to me, but I don’t know how much you know, so I’ll keep it simple, as much as I can. To put it shortly, my aphantasia prevents me from having visual memories or imagination. I cannot relive past events, and I cannot imagine any future events or possibilities. My autobiographic memory is restricted to memorizing in bullet points what I want to remember. And so I’m never scared of any possible future, because I never feel anything when I try to imagine it. My ADHD actually just means that parts of my brain were a few years behind in development, mostly ADHD kids get a fully grown brain by the time they are 25 or 30, but if not, adults keep the symptoms. Like me. My autism is harder to harder to talk about, it is a spectrum after all, but my social anxiety and need for daily routines and hyper focus and more all tell me that the term applies to me. I’m fortunate that the aphantasia negates some of the worse parts that autistic usually suffer from.
Although I have never talked to any psychiatrist or other professional about this. Not yet. It’s all in my head. I don’t want to take their time, there are people who need help more than me, I got by so far, I’ll get by some more. Anyway, all they can know by talking to me is what I share with them, and then either agree with my own view, or not. And then give me a piece of paper. Maybe some pills too.
I get by. One day at a time. I’m not worried about the future, I cannot imagine it. I don’t think about the past, I don’t really remember it, and that’s why I started writing my diary back in the day.
My feelings are different from the norm, I never really have much of them. And never any extremes, I’m usually always calm. So, I have apprehension, but no fear or terror. I can’t feel some sadness, but not grief. Annoyance, but never anger or rage. I can feel a bit surprised, but I’d never use the word amazement. Anticipation, but never vigilance. Trust yes, admiration no. There’s some joy in my life, but not really happiness, and never ecstasy. I had a crush on a girl quite a few times, more often than I remember, but I never said the words “I love you”. Although twice in my life I did feel what I think is real love, but only for a moment, for a few months.
Like I said, my ADHD mind is always active, and my logical thinking makes me a fast learner. Let me rephrase that: I can easily discover, memorize and deduce. But learning from mistakes, comparing and choosing the better, for that you need a different kind of memory. I cannot grow, once I know the basics, that’s it.
That is why I am alone.
A relationship, and also a friendship, grows. You meet somebody, you spend time together, and soon there is a common ground that you build upon. Every time you meet you remember the previous date, and go from there. There must be growth. I’ve tried it quite a few times, but never succeeded, and it never lasted longer than a few months. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt her feelings, but I myself, my brain, part of it, was not able to learn.
Thinking back I now know that I never had much ambition in a relationship anyway, never to any point past first love. Everything is kind of restricted. People nowadays would call it asexual or something, I don’t even care enough about it to find which of the terms best describes me. Also, as with many autistic people, there are some gender identity issues. My masculine hormones never really dominated. In a way I always had a female mindset, which explains my attraction to horses and more events in my life. Um, writing about it feels a bit weird, there are so many details that I should add, so I’ll tell you another time.
This is also the reason I cannot keep friends like others. Also friendships need to grow.
It sounds sad, I know, but it doesn’t feel sad, to me. I can cry, but that is different. I weirdly enjoyed the last time I really cried, sobbed into a pillow, it was a time when I felt that I was feeling something.
This has become quite long already, why are you still reading? Do you feel sorry for me? Please don’t, I’m ok. When I talk about my positive experiences in my life, I know I have achieved a lot, people like me can be very versatile and multitalented. With my hyper focus, when I start something I advance quite quickly in many areas. I speak Finnish, German and English fluently, plus basics of Swedish, Russian, French, Japanese and Mandarin Chinese. I’m a choir leader but have also worked as a conductor in opera and musicals, played in a band, accompanied singers and other musicians, given solo concerts, been in a marching band. I’ve even performed in the Super Bowl Half Time Show in 1987. I can train horses, especially Icelandic horses, also trotting horses, have ridden for probably over 20 000 hours. I know my way around computers, Windows, Mac and Linux, servers, networks, aws, azure, programming, troubleshooting. I’ve done photography since 1986, but shot only two weddings and seldom portraits, most recently a famous cellist in the area. I like movies and shows, I have a list of about 2200 titles that I could talk for hours about. I have participated in some movie productions, even edited on my PC a movie project for my cousin in Germany once. When I’m bored I might – just for fun – decide to learn about how the Maxwell equations in electromagnetism can be derived from gauge theory in quantum mechanics. It’s easy once you know where the Einstein field equations are coming from. It’s all connected.
I have my life here in Finland. I’m amazed a life like this is possible even without ever any medication. I’m much more relaxed now than even ten years ago, I’ve let my hair and beard grow out. I’m confident in myself. I don’t think about the past, I cannot recall like other people what I have experienced, and in that way the song fits to me: “Mies, jolle ei koskaan tapahdu mitään” / “Nothing ever happens to me”
I’d like to tell you more. About my old friendships, the few people in my life who changed me, the times I’ve loved and cried. About how my eating and fasting habits and a weighted blanked helps my sleep. About my daily routines. About how I think the brain works, about neurodiversity, the state of the world. How much hope is there for young people in our connected internet society? Everybody has their own problems coping, and some are better at hiding than others. I hope you have someone to tell your own thoughts. Maybe you can start a diary to sort your thoughts and find out who you are. It worked for me, but it took a long time.
Thank you for listening. It’s not easy to talk about these things, and everybody has a different view on it. Now that I know about it, I see all the signs that have been there all the times. Once, from what I know, somebody told my mother that I should be checked for autism. She didn’t take it seriously. She even didn’t know her own ADHD until I told her a year ago. Unfortunately just knowing about them doesn’t make the problems going away. But it’s good to know you’re not alone your quirks, there are others like you, or if not like you, they understand you, and don’t just tell you “Well, why don’t you try being different?”
If we ever do meet, don’t be shy, talk to me. I used to be a better listener, before I realized how my mind works, how I actually remember. But everybody forgets, nothing is ever permanent. Or send me an email. I might even write another entry, if there is enough motivation. I can’t do it for myself, but I might be able to do it for you.
Love, Markus